Everything about him screamed your future.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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