Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
