Will you blow on my dice?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
