Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
