rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
