That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
