dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
