I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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