I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
