I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
