Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
