If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm really busy with my period
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