last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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