he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
