We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
