if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
