Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
