If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
