There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
