apparently the secret to your success is patron
I could have mohawked her pubes.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
