apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
