so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
