My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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