Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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