Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
