omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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