I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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