i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
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He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
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Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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