Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
