I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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