someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.