I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes