Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
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We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
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I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"