Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
