i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
