i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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