i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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