you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
