you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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