I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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