babies were throwing up all over the place
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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