no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
