I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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