Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
