Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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