We named our party play list daddy issues
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
