he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
