Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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