Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
