I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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