Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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