where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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