Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
