hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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