I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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