at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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