i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
it glows. i had to have it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
