She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
