Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
