Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
