worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
